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| When Renee and I first started dating; summer of 2005 |
Once upon a time, before I was
married, I was single (duh!, I know), and I hated Valentine’s Day. All the flowers, hearts, sappy movies on
cable marathons, the jewelry commercials, especially the jewelry commercials,
it just made my blood boil! Why? Because it felt like the world was hosting a
big party, couples only, and I wasn’t invited.
I would feel envy and anger seep inside my heart, and I would wear it
like a cloak. How? On the 14th I would dress in black like I was
in mourning and gleefully call the 14th, “Happy Singles Awareness Day!” Once I began dating Renee I figured the 14th
would suddenly become a new holiday, my invitation to a great party! …instead of a party though, I found out
Valentine’s Day was an obligation to uphold.
I must get a present, must get a Valentine, must go out on a date, as if
I wouldn’t do these things on any other day.
For some people I suppose it is a motivator, but my lack of love for
this holiday continues (talk about irony).
What gives? Am I just a
grouch? I can be, but here are my two
main concerns;
1. It’s
another saturated commercial holiday. So
is Christmas, so is Halloween, and to a lesser extent Easter, but this one goes
way overboard. “This Valentine’s Day,
show her how much you care by –.” You
don’t love your mate unless you show it, and what better way than to BUY
THIS. If you don’t, are you letting your
mate down? You may not think so, but
wait till you gather with friends or family, maybe even Sunday School and you
get asked the question, “What did you two do for Valentine’s Day?” If the answer is nothing, you get awkward
silence or an awkward reply and you have to live with the unspoken shame. Also note that the single person or persons
in the room are left out of the conversation too, imagine how they may
feel. They may not care, or they may
care deeply. Or perhaps there is someone
in the room who has gone through divorce, or is widowed, or is experiencing a
nasty breakup? There is a lack of
sensitivity here, and while people can be unaware it can cause unnecessary pain during such small talk. This “holiday” often brings all the disappointment,
heartbreak, and lack of self worth to the surface in a glaring, unkind light. There is the cultural expectation that you must
comply with the demands of the holiday, else you’re a deviant. Did this
expectation become before the commercial push (a $17.3 billion in sales and services last year), or after? It doesn’t really matter, both exist. This leads me into my second concern with Valentine’s Day;
2. We
have an unhealthy relationship with love and relationships. You want to "be" somebody in our culture? Have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are single, something is wrong. That’s the warped message our society sends. Our music, fiction, and general storytelling (Hollywood) both feeds this beast as much as it gives it back. I remember in my single adult days in my early 20s, I was regarded with curiosity for being
single, and sometimes as being broken. It was
by choice, I didn’t feel like dating, but it made me a relative outsider. I sensed it for a while, but after I started seriously dating my future wife Renee, the change was
jarring. Now I was welcomed in
conversations I didn’t have a voice in.
Now I was welcomed into circles that were distant before. It wasn't malicious, but I could see that I
suddenly became an insider. That access
to people increased when Renee and I were married, and even further when we had
our son Will. Perhaps it’s relatability,
that now we have something in common? Maybe, but it’s deeper than that. I was a regular guy now...as if I wasn't before. This is real people, just look at our language for couples if you don't see it. For example, the word “soulmate.” If you have a mate, you may feel that’s who that person is to
you. But what of the people who are single or are separated from their mate for
various reasons? Are they “soulless,” or
just a half of a whole? No, but we do
create a void here. The term soulmate is
descended from Plato, who described that Zeus, the king of the gods split the
original humans in half into men and women, who would only become a whole person
again unless they bonded (and the god Apollo helped with that, it’s
complicated). Of course we don’t worship
Greek gods, but we did inherit their language and philosophies and wear them like a cloak. If that’s how we look at love and marital relationships
as meeting a need for self worth, we are in deep trouble, and already we are.
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Here’s
the truth (and I’m bolding this because it’s important); whether you are single, dating, married, divorced, estranged, widowed, or it's complicated know this; YOU
ARE A CREATURE OF WORTH AND VALUE. You MATTER.
You are loved, worthy of giving love, and are worthy of being loved. You are made in the image of God who
loves you, and indeed you are created to be a creature of love. Does that mean in a marital
relationship? It can be. It also can be having love for your friends,
your family, your co-workers, your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. You don't need a mate to become worthy, God already sees worth and value in you and loves you! (With that said, let's try harder to keep a lot of the love language on that level. It's more holy). We have been made to experience and
return that same beautiful love God gave us. He showed us that love through Christ. As beautiful beings of worth we can give love as well as receive it to both God and fellow people, and it can be romance, family, community, holy love, and we should embrace it all! Seriously, Christ died for our sins not because he had to (no Valentine's Day obligation), but because He loves you by choice!!! John 3:16 is all about the love! Take this into account; those same Greeks who
gave us the term “soulmate” had many words for love too;
·
storgē (love for parents and children),
·
philía (love in friendship, among equals),
·
érōs (romantic love, the one we westerners are stuck on),
·
agápē (charitable love, sacrificial love,
love given without expectation of return).
Agápē is the highest, most pure form, and is the
love we need to value the most. It goes
beyond romantic love (which in ways can be very selfish on it's own), it is the love that
brings out the best in humanity, the love that the church is built upon, and
the love that many of us have forgotten.
So how should we approach this coming Valentine’s Day without getting
sucked into the dark hole of outlandish expectations and warped thinking of
personal value? Here are a couple of
humble suggestions;
1. Write
a Valentine’s Day card to your parents or children, or a dear friend. School kids write Valentine’s for their
parents, siblings, and friends. Grown
kids can too! It doesn't all have to be romantic stuff. People need to know they're loved, so tell them!
2. If
you do have a significant other, show that love of a date or gift on a random day. Surprise them. Doing something on the 14th is nice, but
true wonderful surprises in life are rare gems and you might do well to follow
that path.
3. Give
agápē love. You can do that a number of ways; give a
charitable gift, volunteer a day in a local mission, give love to those who may
be feeling lonely on this 14th like a Valentine card or gift (we gotta live
with the holiday after all, we might as well improve it).
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| My church at Liberty UMC makes and gives Valentines to our shut-ins. Here are some my wife Renee made, she's amazing! |
While
Valentine’s Day can bring out the misguided in us, we can also use it as a call
to bring out the best in us. This Valentine’s
Day (those three words are the lead-in to almost every Valentine’s Day gift commercial,
but I use them for a higher purpose now), let’s make a special effort to live
out what Christ said was the greatest of commandments;
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with
all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Luke 10: 27
